1 October 2020 - 9:30
First of all, sorry if I make any spelling mistakes (English is not my first language). I wanted to tell my story to see if anyone can relate and hopefully see if someone has managed to overcome this obsession or has any tips/coping mechanisms.
I was diagnosed with severe GAD and OCD six years ago (when I was 22F) and am currently 28 years old. For the past six years I have been extremely obsessed with the fear of developing psychosis / schizophrenia. This fear has waxed and waned over the years but I have never gotten rid of it.
It all started with "what if I become crazy" and since then (6 years ago) it has evolved into all kind of surreal fears / obsessions (what if the TV is speaking to me, what if I hear voices that aren't here, what if I hallucinate, etc.) (you get the idea haha). I know these fears are nonsense but I keep having them. Also, constantly researching about mental illnesses / psychosis etc has not helped either.
However, I have had some "weird experiences" that always come back to my mind every time I'm having a panic attack about the fear of going crazy:
- In this six years I have twice seen out of the corner of my eye (for a split second) a person when no one was there. I attribute this to my mind playing tricks on me / mistaking things because of high anxiety.
- The first day I had a panic attack back in 2014 I heard my name being called, and, when I was having the panic attack, I heard like a "cricket sound" that my mom could not hear. I have later developed tinnitus / ringing in the ears.
- I'm always hyper sensitive to all sounds around me and constantly checking with my partner if she also hears what I hear (which is always the case), to check whether I'm hallucinating. However the other day I heard a woman's voice in my apartment that sounded very near to me (I was home alone) and I could not check with my partner whether she heard it or not. I got a panic attack thinking I was hallucinating.
- Sometimes I have words popping up in my head without me consciously thinking about it. I know 100% it's my inner voice and not someone else's but it's like very random and I'm not thinking about it. Sometimes this random words are insults, but I know it's me doing it.
Anyway, it's getting to a point that it is very exhausting for me to be like this, as I'm a corporate lawyer and work at a huge law firm with extreme working hours and this non-stop obsessional thinking leaves me exhausted.
DAE relate? If so, how do you manage it?
Thanks a lot and sorry for the long post!!