2 January 2016 - 10:20
I've been struggling with this lately and I don't know if it's likely to be OCD or something else.
I always thought I was a bad friend as I had a compulsion to tell people everything about my life, my problems etc. Even though I can tell it's annoying. A lot of people hardly talk to me anymore and don't ask how I am as they know I'll tell them everything and it's too much. But it's got worse. A friend came round for dinner the other night and before she came I started to worry what if she doesn't like me and is just coming round out of politeness? What if she's telling people behind my back that she has to come round and she's dreading it? I then started to worry all my friends were thinking like this and that no one likes me. I've started to apologise to them for being a bad friend and asking them if they think I am a bad friend. The last few days my depression has got worse but my confession compulsion has been replaced with a need not to even contact my friends and tell them I feel bad because that means I'm a terrible friend. The other day I realised several of them have health/financial worries and I started to think it's all my fault and that if I don't tell them stuff they'll get better.
I also feel like a bad fiancee. My fiancee's family disowned her when they found out she was gay and I feel like it's my fault. I know she doesn't blame me but every time she gets upset about them I feel terrible guilt. She has a lot of problems too and gets moody a lot and I always feel like it's all my fault and that I don't deserve her and need to be punished. Another thing is that I get crushes on people really easily and am currently on my third in a row on a colleague at work. People keep telling me it's normal to fancy other people but I feel so incredibly guilty. The first two I told my fiancee about even though it made her upset because I felt so guilty I had to confess them to her. I haven't told her about this current one because I know she'll be upset at yet another one but every time I'm with her I feel guilty because I am attracted to someone else and I have mentioned this person to her and said she's hot.
Finally, I really like spending money, I can afford to as I have lots of savings but the other day I couldn't help myself buying a new expensive TV even though the old one was fine and I should be saving the money for wedding and honeymoon. I can afford all three but ever since I've bought it I feel consumed with guilt and like I need to do something to make up for this. I keep thinking about people with little money and thinking it's terrible that I bought a TV when people are starving etc. My parents wanted to know what to buy me for my birthday and I tried to get them to give me money so I can give it to charity.
I have a compulsion to punish myself when I feel guilty and it's getting worse. I used to self harm but my partner made me stop. Now I make myself do 25 press ups then 25 sit ups. Always both and always in sets of 25. Some days I do over 100. If my fiancee gets upset or if I think bad things about this woman I fancy or if I tell my friends things etc.