9 October 2014 - 15:31
I've had a particularly bad spike of Pure O this week. Probably my worst since first developing anxiety. I've always been able to rationalise my fears before but this new one seems absolutely absurd.
I've feared the development of psychosis/schizophrenia ever since developing Pure O, but last night I began to "what if" very specific, abstract symptoms of the illness. What if I believe my TV is communicating with me? What if I see a demon? I don't believe either of these things, of course, but I fear the possibility of schizophrenia intensely. These thoughts made me so uncomfortable and put me into such a panic that I had to turn my TV off. I even began to visualise a demon in my bed which then became an intrusive thought that I couldn't shake. I'm so terrified of this dumb illness that I actually checked my bed to make sure!
The whole time I was thinking to myself "this is so ridiculous! this would never happen! you're a grown man!" yet the thoughts still caused me intense terror. I felt nauseated and my mind was racing. It was horrid. And the sheer irrationality of it all only made me more scared. How could I possibly give any credibility to this nonsense? The fact I've had no motivation lately and am now almost constantly fearful isn't helping these worries.
Has anybody else experienced similar irrational fears? Did they get worse? How did you cope? I took three 10mg doses of Elavil last week and one of the rarer symptoms is a worsening of paranoid psychosis, so naturally my Pure O is making me believe it's all down to this and I am finally going off the deep end.