17 October 2014 - 23:32
Hello, I am new to the forums and felt like I had to sign up because I really am at my wits end with this OCD!
I don't really even know what to say I am so lost confused but I will try my best to explain.
I have this problem with numbness. I feel so flat, dead, numb and empty. The trouble is that because I have felt it for so long I am sure I think it is normal and it is driving me mad! As if the feeling wasn't bad enough I now have to contend with obsessing about it all the time. I don't even realise when I obsess. It just feels normal as with the numbness. I have had this disorder for so long, that it just feels normal. I have heard that numbness is common alongside OCD and I have the Pure OCD form with the ruminating and intrusive thoughts. I am sure the reason why I keep coming back to this numbness problem is, because I always feel like it, it leaves me questioning is this normal to feel this way? What does happiness and joy feel like? What do feelings feel like? What are emotions? I just don't trust my thoughts and feelings. I don't know what is normal. Then the OCD or my rational mind (I never can tell because if it is OCD it just becomes a part of you says) you are just greedy, you want more and more, like someone who is never satisfied with there life and it makes me feel like I am complaining but the truth is I do feel numb and flat. Like my mind is blank and I am dead inside. Just nothing. I don't enjoy things. I used to love music but there are just no feelings of pleasure from it. I feel like I am constantly analysing this feeling to see if it is numbness or am I meant to be feeling this way and it says you can't be happy all the time but I never feel happy! In fact the anxiety from the nasty and negative thoughts I have feels like excitement, feels like enjoyment. Anxiety and excitement come from the same place so it feels like I enjoy the thoughts. My therapist said that I can probably only feel negative emotions and just not happy ones. She also says that because I have been on medication for four and a half years that it may have numbed me out but I don't know. I am so confused and sick of all this. It's making me feel guilty and evil. I just don't know how to be content and enjoy life as other people do.
I also worry that if I am happy then I have Bi Polar and I don't know if this is a legitimate worry or an OCD worry because given my nine years history of anxiety, depression and OCD it could be true but I don't know if this is just yet another worry my OCD has come up with so I have to suffer more and admit that I have Bi Polar. I have this weird thing where it feels like I am high or on auto pilot and I can't come down from it and I want to. It is not a nice high and doesn't go away.
I am constantly tense, agitated and on edge because of my thoughts and don't even know what I am doing. It's like I am so incensed and overwhelmed by the OCD that I just feel consumed by it all. I also feel really evil, I mean like really evil, like I enjoy being evil but I don't? Like some dark evil character and when my eyebrows go in towards my eyes I feel evil and raise them like a happy person would feel. Like bright and breezy. Also have a problem with smiling in an evil way, like when I smile it feels evil and I have to watch how to hold my mouth so I don't smile like that.
As you can imagine all of this is making me feel pretty suicidal and even then that it wrong because my OCD, that feels like it is posing as the voice of God in my head, says you are just blackmailing me to take this all away from you so you won't kill yourself. I don't mean hearing voices but a voice in your head.
I could go on as the list of worries surrounding the disorder is endless but I don't want to bore anyone. I guess it feels to real to be OCD and because it feels real you just accept it as being real and agree with it. I don't know what it real and what is OCD.
Does anyone else feel this way? I feel so helpless and alone.