Intrusive Thoughts Trying To Sabotage My Life

30 September 2020 - 8:53

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Hello. I'm new to the forum, and I was wondering if anyone could give any advice about my OCD, which seems to work in a different way to most other people's I've spoken to.

Basically, since I was 12/13 years old, I've suffered with a weird strain of intrusive thoughts that try to 'sabotage' my mind. What's weird about them is that they don't just try to force me to do/think something that I don't want to, but  they also try to make me 'want' to do it. I know this sounds confusing, so I'll give an example: 

For example, when I was at school/university, these intrusive thoughts tried to convince me not to revise for my exams and instead make a deliberate effort to fail, just to cause myself misery. 

These thought patterns can affect any issue, from important ones, like exam revision, to minor ones, like trying to convince to want the opposition to win when my football (soccer) team are playing. This 'adaptability' of my intrusive thoughts is ultimately the main problem; it can affect any issue, and is impossible to ignore or 'out-think', as it just tries to convince me to 'want' to give in. Having suffered with this for so long, this process is now near-automatic.

For example, last year I began an eight-week mindfulness CD-Rom programme, to try to tackle my mental health problems. However, I only got about a week in before I had to give up, as my OCD's efforts to convince me to make myself suffer made me more stressed than ever, thus removing any benefit from doing mindfulness. I want to try again, but I'm worried the same will happen.

I've also tried several medications to try to stem my OCD/anxiety. I tried propranolol first, which to be fair did bring initial improvement, but as it isn't designed for problems of this magnitude it could only do so much. I've since tried two SSRIs, first citalopram and now sertraline (Zoloft), but I don't think either have done anything to help.

I'd appreciate any help/advice anyone could give, as I'm just about at my wits end with OCD, and can't think of an strategies or alternative medications that could help my own situation.

30 September 2020 - 21:54

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Location: England
Join date: Jan 2008
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Hi there and welcome. It's sure not easy is it?
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