Here we go again!

This post has been thanked 1 time. 2 May 2014 - 18:04

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Hi everyone,

I've started a new thread, cos my old one doesn't allow replies yet... I've not been on here for a few days, so really need to post something...

It has been difficult these last few days, I've struggled to even eat favourite foods. But I didn't take a diazepam this morning as they make me too tired to cope. I haven't driven for a while either, even though we have the car back now. It is running okay, but I daren't look under the bonnet. I might do that tomorrow! We ride with the radio on now that it is working, so we're not hearing every single sound the tyres or engine makes. When we do hear it, it sounds okay, so need to trust it more, and just get used to it again.

I went into a cafe today... Used a spoon to put sugar in my tea, and used a large jug to put milk in, knowing that others have, and indeed will handle it after me... I didn't bother using the loo, cos I think it is outside, and I would struggle with that. Maybe one for next time? To be honest, it is very rare for us to use this particular cafe anyway, but as were passing, it seemed like a good idea.

Right now I'm exhausted with the day... We have had to move a bed today, and that was really heavy, a real struggle that one, but we managed. As I think about it now, I haven't washed my hands since first thing this morning after using the loo... Quite an acheivement that... I know the car will need fuelling up tonight, I can do that I think, though I won't drive yet, maybe soon, but not just yet, we'll have to wait and see on that one...

We should be settled, but we are struggling to get our youngest a flat. Housing is at a premium where we live, so difficut to get. It has to be rented cos we are unable to work at present, though voluntary shop work will appeal  when all the moving is complete I think... At the moment everything is up in the air, and we're taking each day as it comes. Hopefully this thread will allow replies!

That's about it for now with this thread... To be honest, I feel a bit nauseous, but I don't think it is anything I've eaten or touched, and will probably be fine in a day or two, or hopefully even quicker!

The sun is shining outside as I write, but the daffodils are finishing... I wonder what will come next? I can't remember if we get tulips now, though we have a magnolia tree that is flowering beautifully. The lawns are mowed professionally where we live, so that is a job I don't miss doing, even though the pet owners tidy up after them. I'm really relieved about that... Though years ago I just didn't care... Trouble is, now I do care... So it is something I have to leave well alone...

Going out in just a little while, and I will do the fuelling of the car... It will mean touching the pump handle, the fuel cap and my cards to pay... I've done it before, and will do it again, without washing my hands before or after.

Is it dangerous? I don't know.

Has it harmed anyone else before? I don't know, but most likely not... I've not heard ofanyone becoming ill, and it is the same as everyone else is doing before and after me... I'll go and do it now...

Wannabe

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2 May 2014 - 20:39

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Wowee! It's letting me reply... Well I did it, went to the petrol station, got the car fuelled up, did what everyone else was doing. Then went and paid with my bank card. Everything worked fine, and I got away with it. Trouble is, before sitting down to eat, I needed the loo, so ended up washig my hands for the second time today. That's a lot better then usual. But no one is going to get ill. I suppose I could say that I've recontaminated my hands by touching the computer, but still it has to be safe, it just has to be... I've already had to have some paracetamol cos I've got toothache... To be honest, I think it is my sinuses playing up, it'll have to be, cos you'll not get me near the dentist! Absolutely no way! It would be comparable to the council fixing a load of potholes in the street outside! Very expensive! Never mind the pain! I'm really tired tonight... feeling really sleepy in fact... Let's hope this bank holiday is fine... Might go out in the car...

I Haven't driven it since it was repaired... Maybe I'll try a little tomorrow... We'll have to see...

Wannabe

This post has been thanked 1 time. 3 May 2014 - 15:20

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Hi Wannabe

I sent in a request a couple of days ago to see if they could fix the old thread, I wonder if it's to do with members posting at the same time oh well no worries.

Having toothache, hmmmm nothing worse as my dad had it for a good while although it was something that happened at the dentist that caused the toothache. My uncle is frightened of the dentist so he has not been for a long time, The dentists today are not as bad as the ones a long time ago as my dad always tells us stories about the dentists in the 1970s. (it's enough to put me off the dentist to be honest)  

Lets hope the ocd leaves us alone today as we need a break from it at least for awhile, I've been enjoying the snooker on the TV and got an idea who's going to win the tournament. Although it does tend to get slow I usually spend a bit of time ruminating with the ocd so that can't be good but we need to stay positive I feel.

My mum and dad are getting back into the gardening although I can't quite remember what's been planted, I know we have the tomato plants coming up hopefully well keeping our fingers crossed. Unfortunately my mum was saying that a couple of the plants have died don't want that. My Grans been doing really well with her garden she has quite a lot of tomato plants hoping all goes well.

Hoping you have a good bank holiday Monday as well as keeping the ocd at bay.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 3 May 2014 - 19:59

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Hi Wannabe

sounds like you have had a busy few days, but i have been really inspired by reading how many things you have achieved. It gives me hope as i have got abit stuck with my hand washing over the last few weeks. Hope we all manage to get a little break from our ocd over the bank holiday,keep up the good work.
Elf

This post has been thanked 1 time. 6 May 2014 - 11:10

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These posts really encourage me as well please keep doing them. Thank you.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 7 May 2014 - 16:25

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Did you manage to drive the car on Monday or are you still a passenger? I hope your weekend went well.

7 May 2014 - 19:05

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Hi everyone... Thank youfor your kind messages. I did drive the car home from the seaside on bank holiday Monday, and in the dark too! It went reasonably well, but I'm spending a lot of time as supportive passenger! The car was fine, despite all the trouble we've had with it recently, in fact I was having great difficulty keeping to the speed limits the engine is running so well now.

My lads have to view a place tomorrow which will hopefully see them housed. That will be a great relief, and we can start to get stuff out of storage, that's assuming I can handle stuff... I'm not doing a lot of handwashing, only after using the loo, although there has been the odd exception. But I boiled and peeled some eggs at lunchtime. I didn't wash myhands after peeling the eggs, just ate the eggs and got on with it. I then wiped my hands on my lap to get rid of the dampness of the eggs on my fingers. Will it make anyone ill? I don't know, but I don't think it ever has before... There used to be lots of scares around the preparation of eggs, but thankfully it has all died down now, we can eat them how we want these days, thank goodness!

Today we went shopping, and I handled everything onto the conveyor belt. Thinking about it now, the cashier handled absolutely everything, that we then put into bags for the journey home. It all went in the back of the car too. No worries, just did it, pushing the thoughts away as I went. They handle money as well... But it was what everyone else was doing around us in the store that made it sort of normal to be doing this... So I need to go in  little more often, further naturalise it.

The depression has been absolutely terrible, I've been finding mornings really difficult lately... I wake from optimistic dreams into a worrying mess of thoughts...Thoughts of doom and gloom... And yet, as the day goes on it seems to ease a bit. I'm really tired right now... I guess I've done well today, but it is hard work this ocd game. Not that is a game of course, it is a real pig to deal with.. I must get back into my writing, but I've been a bit idle with it to be honest. I keep putting it off, and yet it is all I can do as an occupation at the moment. I can't see me coping with voluntary work yet, but once the move is complete I will try I think... It is too early to say just yet... I want to wait until the pressure is off before I take on anything more stressful. This whole move thing has been really stressful, really hectic. But maybe it will get easier as time goes on eh?

Wannabe 

8 May 2014 - 20:39

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hi there everyone... Anxiety fuels ocd and ocd fuels anxiety. The two work in tandem. It can be really awful. We all strive for certainty, and yet we cannot find it. My CBT therapist told me the only certainties in life, are death and taxes! And that is probably right. Everything else we just have to make the best of. And that isn't easy for us ocders... I try not to worry about the future, but the more I try, the more the intrusive thoughts invade. I'm getting better at letting thoughts pass through now, but it isn't easy. I drove a bit today, but won't drive alone... I have to have someone in the car with me... Two reasons... My ocd is part of it, in fact a very large part of it, but also, our car is taxed for use by a disabled person, so by law I cannot drive it on my own. I don't mind this, cos I'd rather not drive alone... Every junction, every other car, I worry that I've inadvertently done something like run someone over, or bumped into something. At least while there is someone else in the car, I know that they would say something if anything were to be wrong. So I just drive, and if I take a wrong turning so be it. I can always turn around and correct myself.It may seem like a cop out, but I'm more relaxed when I have someone in the car with me...I also managed to prepare a salad snack without washing everything... Will it do any harm? I doubt it... It never has before.. And I've done it loads of times before... Is it dangerous? I don't know... My own evidence suggests that it isn't... Let's hope it gets easier with tme...

Wannabe

10 May 2014 - 21:33

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Well... Nothing happened... But the depression has been terrible, really bad... I just couldn't get into today... I haven't been out anywhere, and am just watching TV at the moment... That is depressing me too... The Britains got Talent show... People chasing their dreams... I wish I had one to chase! I've tried lots of things in my lifetime, but never quite succeeded at a lot of it... I'm doing a bit of writing, and working hard at that, so that is good. And my kids are doing okay, so that is good... I've cooked the evening meal today too, so that is good... But I'm exhausted... Really down... Have been for a couple of days. I'm gonna make a cup of tea in a moment or two...That sometimes helps. The very act of making a cup of tea, getting in the kitchen after touching the computer. Do I need to wash my hands? I don't honestly know. I could do I suppose, just once before starting. That would be okay I guess. Yes, I'll do that now, before completing this posting. I'll come back to the computer in a minute...

Okay, I'm back. I've grabbed a chocolate bar too, it should cheer me up a bit. I hope so anyway. It is getting dark as I write. That can be depressing in itself, but it signals the end of another day, another fight through the daylight hours. I'm starting to worry again, in conjunction with the ocd. I have to cope with this somehow... There is a film on now, science fiction of some sort. It is a change from the normal stuff on a Saturday evening. I don't want to watch theeurovision song contest, I find it boring. The UK doesn't do very well anymore, we haven't done for many years. I remember when ABBA were popular. I didn't have ocd then... I used to worry a lot, but the ocd wasn't knackering everything as it does now... I had a job then too... Worried a lot but did okay... I used to ride a motor bike. Fell off it a few times, but nothing serious, thankfully. I used to get oil on my hands, and not worry about it. but now I can't stand anything sticky on my hands. I just absolutely hate it. I'm really tired now, really tired. Want to sleep, but it is a bit early yet. Maybe in another hour or so I'll go to bed, try to sleep, try to relax... I might have a shower in the morning, I can't be bothered right now to set up the task of having a shower... I'm too tired to try, But maybe in the morning I can do it. I'll see how it goes in the morning. Night night everyone...

Wannabe

This post has been thanked 1 time. 11 May 2014 - 11:14

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just to say well done for one of the things that cought my attention when I read through- well done on handling everything onto the conveyer belt. I must admit I never realised how much of the issue can contamination be in the supermarkets etc... I struggle with ahopping as well but it is mostly about adding up numbers of prices, trying to take same product a particular number of times and then putting it back and trying that with a next one in a row- causes loads of stress as I don't want people to notice... Which is a bit embarrassing sometimes... Well at least that is how I feel xx

This post has been thanked 1 time. 11 May 2014 - 14:01

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Hi wannabe,

You’re being far too hard on yourself. You’ve been through a lot of the past few weeks dealing with the move etc and even people without OCD would have got stressed. And yet you’ve managed to come through this without making your OCD deteriorate and for that you should be proud. So stop and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.

Learn to focus on what you can and have done rather than on what you can’t do. And don't forget that over the past couple of years you have managed to achieve a lot. Take time to make a list of all that you have managed to achieve especially the moves and reducing the hand washing.

You need to lower your expectations and raise your goals that way you won’t be disappointed or quite so depressed. Sometimes when we have OCD we can’t see the wood for the trees and need to take a step back and set ourselves more realistic goals and take things one day at a time.

You’re continually drawing yourself back into the OCD cycle and exacerbating the depression by repeatedly questioning your achievements. Just state your achievement and if you want to comment on it then make it a positive statement. Questioning the achievement only serves to remind you of the OCD fears and so increases the doubt.

Be proud of all that you have managed to achieve despite all the set backs along the way and celebrate your achievements  Shout them from the roof tops if necessary!

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