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10 December 2017 - 12:21

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Hello everyone,

I' ve been living with OCD for 3 years now. I am afraid of HIV contamination and I have had like 20 tests in 3 years.

Yesterday i was drunk and I made out with a girl in a club. Today, i can't control my anxiety.

I remember i was controlling my mouth to be sure i had no cut, and remember to not have had sex with her becouse of my fear, and becouse i didn t have a condom.

Anyway, like everytime i go out and make out with a girl, i am wondering if ,becouse of alchol, i had sex with her and don't remember. She really wanted becouse she asked me to do it in the bathroom. Moreover my memories are confused. So I'm really afraid.

In your opinion it is possible that i have done it without remember? Or it's just my OCD that is speaking?

This post has been thanked 1 time. 10 December 2017 - 19:37

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I'd say it's probably very unlikely that you did it without remembering when you remember so much about the event. Even if you did it's unlikely that you'd have caught HIV from her.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 10 December 2017 - 20:21

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Consider this, worrying after the event if pretty pointless. If you have it, which I doubt you have, then you have it for life and no amount of worrying will change that.  The problem with us OCD sufferers is that we don't like leaving things to chance, we have to know. But life is full of risk and not all of it is obvious. 

So lets look at the real facts, you have a 1 in 909 chance of getting HIV from a single encounter. BUT you have a 1 in 3 chance of getting cancer, I would say that if you think about that then deal with the anxiety that this event has created then within the month you will forget all about it.

10 December 2017 - 20:25

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I can say I remember the timeline and the main events but about the two hours i passed with the girl i can just say we kissed, danced, went outside to smoke a cigarett and in the end I Accomany her to her friend. I don t really remember the specific actions and her face either. I remember also that she asked me to have sex in the bathroom but i refused. For this reason i think i couldn't probably have had sex with her also if i wanted (in the club with people looking). I was controlling my mouth for cuts, refused to have sex in the bathroom but in the end did it anyway? It looks absurd, right? Anyway for my OCD i can't stop my anxiety and I already know i will get tested after 4 weeks. I am just sorry i will be depressed and anxious for all the period. I guess i have to accept that.

10 December 2017 - 20:31

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Dubs, i know what u mean.

But we OCD sufferers also know that guilt and responsability are our main problems. I can't accept not to know and i can't accept a risk i could have avoided.

I also know that thinking about that will make it worst but i can't stop compulsing. I dealt with it for the last 3 years. I already know I will be depressed for one month, searching on internet for the whole period and in the end collect the 21th test. It's always the same. I'm tired, i didn't live for the last 3 years.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 10 December 2017 - 21:40

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I know all about OCD, I've had it for over a decade. I know how it works and I know that its something you have to live with and the best way is to accept  the anxiety that doubt creates.

If I was to reassure you that you don't have hiv then I'm just reinforcing the anxiety and you will always seek reassurance. Its the OCD cycle and its what makes us ill. Sometimes we have to accept that that doubt and just cold turkey the anxiety and resist that temptation to check, clean or what ever else our compulsion is.

It really isn't easy and I wish there was a magic switch because my life is a daily fight. I'm fortunate in some ways in that I've had a lot of help because without it I would not be here. I know how to fight it but that doesn't make it any easier, I still have that fight every minute of the day and believe me that takes its toll. But believe me if you let OCD win it really can win. 

13 December 2017 - 18:51

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Have you started any exposure and response prevention yet ? The goal here isn't to seek reassurance because each time someone reassures you, it will only give you temporary relief. What's worse, the more reassurance you seek, the worse the obsession will get.

I think there was a movie in 1958 called the 'The Blob' - the monster would paradoxically get bigger each time people tried to attack or beat it up.  OCD is the same. The more reassurance you seek, the worse the illness becomes. You can do two practical things here to relieve the symptoms:  

A) Resist the temptation to seek reassurance. And starve the OCD bully. 

B) Expose yourself more to the fear. People call this technique 'spiking'.  You can do this by writing down on an index card, your fear of diseases through contact. And expose yourself to this fearful index card many times a day.  

Working with a behavior therapist is basically getting you to achieve the two things above. We often need the therapist to help us because it is so difficult without a coach/guidance for many people.  Over time (very quickly in some cases), your fear of contracting something over a kiss will subside, if the two points above are done correctly and often enough.  The two exercises above will calm the brain which is probably really excited and consuming too much glucose in wrong places right now.

I've had a lot of experience with OCD and the two points above can be your antidotes but hopefully you can find a CBT therapist to help you with the obsessions if you haven't found one already. 

 

 

 

13 December 2017 - 18:49

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Have you started any exposure and response prevention yet ? The goal here isn't to seek reassurance because each time someone reassures you, it will only give you temporary relief. What's worse, the more reassurance you seek, the worse the obsession will get.

I think there was a movie in 1958 called the 'The Blob' - the monster would paradoxically get bigger each time people tried to attack or beat it up.  OCD is the same. The more reassurance you seek, the worse the illness becomes. You can do two practical things here to relieve the symptoms:  

A) Resist the temptation to seek reassurance. And starve the OCD bully. 

B) Expose yourself more to the fear. People call this technique 'spiking'.  You can do this by writing down on an index card, your fear of diseases through contact. And expose yourself to this fear many times a day.  

Working with a behavior therapist is basically getting you to achieve the two things above. We often need the therapist to help us because it is so difficult without a coach/guidance for many people.  Over time (very quickly in some cases), your fear of contracting something over a kiss will subside, if the two points above are done correctly and often enough.  The two exercises above will calm the brain which is probably really excited and consuming too much glucose in wrong places right now.

I've had a lot of experience with OCD and the two points above can be your antidotes but hopefully you can find a CBT therapist to help you with the obsessions if you haven't found one already. 

 

 

 

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