1 October 2020 - 14:19
Not sure if this is an OCD/anxiety characteristic, as I haven’t seen many people discuss it, but it haunts me almost every day in some way or another.
The problem is that I constantly feel like someone is out to get me, or that something that happened in the past will come back to haunt me. I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things that I feel guilty about/ruminate over, but I worry so much about these situations even if it’s not necessarily about a personal wrongdoing on my part.
For example, I constantly worry that a past partner will call me up to tell me they have AIDS or some other infectious condition. Anytime I get a random phone call my heart drops. Or, I will worry that someone I’ve had disagreements in the past will suddenly come after me, my family/loved ones, etc. or try to ruin my character online. I worry about things I’ve said or done or posted online in the past and feel like someone will try to destroy my career or hurt me in some way.
Part of me feels like I need to just delete all social media, but this also feels like avoidance which I know is part of my OCD coping. I also know I would somehow feel like I’m guilty and people would be suspicious of my actions like I have something to hide. I constantly feel like I am keeping secrets/hiding past wrongdoings but at the same time if I’d done anything to hurt my partner/family/etc. I would’ve told them outright. I also just feel like if anyone found out about my past mistakes, people I’ve slept with, dumb things I’ve done whilst drunk, things I’ve said, etc. they would never love me again.
Can anyone relate/does anyone have experiences similar to this? Have you any advice?
Thanks in advance, Nellie xx