11 October 2014 - 14:32
Hi everyone. I've followed this forum for a long time but not posted until now - I hope some will be able to offer me some of the wonderful support that I have seen on here.
I've suffered with OCD and false memories for some time now, my biggest fear is that I will unwillingly harm someone in some way. My most common false memories revolve around hitting someone in my car or inappopriately touching a stranger. The thought of these things makes me feel sick as I would never want to hurt anyone but I understand that this is how OCD works - latching on to our biggest fears and the very things we would NOT want to do.
Anyway, I work in a school and I'm terrified that I may have done something awful but don't remember. Last week I was walking down the corridor during break time and it was really busy so I was getting intrusive thoughts about touching someone and so my anxiety was going through the roof. I do not remember actually touching anyone inappropriately as I walked past but I DO remember feeling something touch my bum - I turned round to see a group of boys just chatting and one of them had quite a few bags so I thought it was probably just that. For some reason though straight afterwards I started to think - 'what if someone just touched me because I touched them?' sounds ridiculous I know. The memory seems so blurry now that I feel I have no idea what happened, I just remember getting to the end of the corridor and feeling so anxious that I'd done something and felt like everyone was looking at me. I now feel like I've grabbed/touched someone inappropriately in the corridor. What upsets me is that I literally CANNOT remember it clearly anymore.
When I try to think about it rationally I think I don't remember doing anything and if it was true then I wouldn't keep imagining different possibilities and I would have some idea of WHO I touched because I don't even have a face in my memory but for some reason I just cannot let go of this fear. Usually my false memories will fade within a few days but this one is still going strong. I've cried so many times this week and I feel like I'm just waiting to get found out for something and lose my job, which then upsets me because I think thats just so selfish if I really had done something that should be the least of my worries.
I'm a new young teacher at a fairly small secondary school and I understand I'm still a bit of a 'novelty' there so I always feel like the students are looking at me and this exacerbates my fears. The other day I was standing near some male students and I don't remember if they were really looking at me or not but I felt like I heard the words 'touched' or something similar and that was it - my mind went into overdrive I was so anxious I could have been sick. I feel like I've done something awful and everyone is talking about it.
Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't live my life this way. I'm starting CBT in a few weeks but I feel like with this memory I will never be convinced that it's not real and it's killing me.