12 May 2019 - 16:45
My new fear is that I will lose control without my knowledge.. basically I believe I suffer from pocd and I was doing fine today. Had my attractions back to guys my age again and was able to see young ones and felt nothing so today was really good!
However weird situation, I was on discord (it's like a gaming website) on my phone. And basically there's this chat room. It shows your profile picture and then the text next to it. And basically I noticed someone profile pic was a young one (they arnt young it was just a picture of themself when they were young). And basically I freaked out because I realised I held my thumb over the photo and was brushing my thumb up and down the phone slowly. I didn't realise what I was doing until one second later and I went bright red and panicked! Why did I do it over this pic and not no-one else's? I knew I still had some anxiety over seeing young ones still but I didn't realise what I was doing until straight after. It's like my mind forcefully made me do that weird action without my knowledge. And now I'm terrified because it's not what I want at all but my body made me do it without realising what I was doing until a few seconds later.. Is my body trying to tell me I'm like this secret p? I felt faint after I realise what I done and I didn't like it nor did I want it..
Sorry if this sounded really weird and unusual, but this gave me another spike... I wish I would go back to normal again..