23 March 2020 - 11:50
Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum and would just like to share my experience with OCD and intrusive thoughts, I hope that whoever is reading can relate and hopefully shed some light and give me some advice as to how I can get over this. It’s absolutely destroyed the past couple years of my life. This may be a lengthy post so apologies in advance.
I’m not sure exactly when I first started exhibiting signs of OCD but I remember when I was younger I always had horrible thoughts, in particular at that age I suffered with the constant fear that my loved ones would die or suffer if I didn’t do something the ‘correct’ way. For example I’d have to constantly wash my hands, touch door knobs and handles, open and close doors, walk in a certain way, flick light switches on and off until it felt just right. I knew even at that age that this was odd and that nothing would really happen if I just didn’t do these compulsions however the anxiety was just to great and I’d feel very guilty. This happened for many years at varying levels of severity. This wasn’t the only thing that worried me however, growing up I suffered a great deal of very violent, sexual and inappropriate thoughts ranging from shouting out inappropriate things at people, worries I would commit a terrible crime or attack a loved one, these thoughts came to me the more I grew older. This was all before I understood it was OCD, I never really spoke about these thoughts as I thought people would think I was weird or a bad person however I knew they were just thoughts and not something I would ever act upon. Despite this I still felt uncomfortable with these thoughts in mind and sometimes it would get in the way of the things I enjoyed like my hobbies, watching films, listening to music etc... however I could still pull through and actually still enjoy my life.
this was until about 2 years or so ago when I began working with my dad. Everyday was a constant battle in my own mind as the intensity of these thoughts grew. They were no longer spontaneous thoughts, it was constant. Everything would conjure up awful thoughts, many were violent and sexual in nature, they made me feel so uncomfortable and I began to feel very depressed. Eventually I didn’t enjoy any of my hobbies, and I had many suicidal thoughts in my mind. This frightened me a great deal because I had never in my life before felt suicidal, I was very much against that sort of thing and so the idea of wanting to commit such a thing terrified me, it was a constant fight trying to convince myself that these were all just thoughts and not reality. It began to really blur the line. Thankfully towards the end of 2019 I came around somewhat and I was actually very happy, I started to enjoy my hobbies again, I felt like I’d kicked OCD’s ass and was overcoming depression, I still had intrusive thoughts but I never really doubted them and saw them for what they were, just thoughts. However I suffered a huge relapse in the new year and my current thoughts are focusing more of POCD which is by far the most awful thoughts I’ve ever had. These kind of thoughts aren’t exactly new to me, is had them before and they were extremely uncomfortable but I was able to understand that they were just thoughts and tbh the suicidal thoughts were in the forefront of my mind and so I didn’t pay much attention to any other kind of thought really. Reading about these kind of thoughts on forums didn’t fill me with anxiety like suicidal thoughts did however it’s now the opposite way round. I’m finding it even harder to distinguish real thoughts from OCD. They’re awful and I’d never act on them but they’re causing me so much distress and I’m starting to really hate the person I’ve become because I’m no longer the person I once knew. Can anybody help. Give me some words of wisdom if you’ve been through something similar and have overcome it. I also hope that if you’re suffering from similar thoughts to mine then you’re not alone and keep on fighting. I just hope I will. Thank you.