12 April 2020 - 11:37
So my pocd has been a recurring problem for a few years now, it has been particularly bad in the last few months, everyday I’ve had some sort of panic over something or other, and today I had something horrible happen which was not too dissimilar to a couple of things I’ve posted about on here before. As is the case for a lot of people with this condition, my ocd is at its most problematic when I masturbate. A particular manifestation of it is this slight obsession I have over desperately trying not to purposely think of something while I’m at it, which seems to happen quite a lot, and that’s where I’m particularly worried because I get the feeling that I’m a bit alone there. In this instance, as I was masturbating to a picture of a girl my age, I suddenly had a thought to imagine the same sort of scene but with a child, and I don’t know why but as I had this thought I found myself masturbating to it for a couple of seconds. I’m not sure if it was because I actually liked it or whether it’s because it’s almost become protocol for me to do that now, as my mind is so attached to this fear of not doing it that sometimes it’s impossible not to. Either way I feel utterly sickened because it really felt like I was willing to sort of “give it a try” if you see what I mean, which is so confusing because I know that I’m not interested in children, on the contrary, every time I masturbate it is an intense fight between myself and my ocd where I am desperate to think about anything other than that but of course, it’s constantly there. So why did I think about it this time, as if it was just normal?? And like I said it’s not the first time something like this has happened, so either I’m incredibly weak or genuinely sick, and I feel like it’s kind of both because even if I’m not attracted to children- which I actually know I’m not- it’s still wrong of me to think about such things under any circumstances, I just feel like I can only use the excuse of ocd so much.So if anyone can shed any light on this I would really appreciate it, please be completely honest though, if you really think there’s something not right about this tell me. Thank you.