I know it's long but please help me.

25 March 2020 - 23:17

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Hi everyone, I am new in the forum even though in the last few months I have read many of your posts from outside. I am a 19 year old girl who has been suffering from pocd (hopefully) for about 4 months ...I want to clarify that in 19 years of life I have never been attracted to a child and never fantasized about it. I've always been attracted to kids my age or older.
It all started one night, while I was watching a video where some boys were playing in a stupid way with dolls, I asked myself: "who knows what it feels like to rape a child". This at first left me perplexed for a few days where I started thinking about it and asking myself questions and checking myself to see if I had any reactions. After that I had a quiet period: thoughts came back every now and then, but I considered them less. A few weeks later, out of nowhere, they returned and never left. From there every day is torture from when I get up in the morning to when I go to sleep in the evening: I have episodes of anxiety attacks or just anxiety, I cry, I think about it, I feel sick, I can't eat much, I check on myself, I recheck, I think about the past , I reassure myself, I calm down, my anxiety leave, I worry because I don't have anxiety and it starts again. In all this when I am in public I tend not to look at or hold my breath when there are children near me. When I'm testing myself i have some episodes of groinal response (I hope) that I noticed to be more frequent during my period (I don't know if the two are related or not, but I hope so) In all this scenario, my mind is invaded by a myriad of thoughts questions I ask myself, including "I am a pedo/ I am not a pedo". The problem is that ultimately as far as I am convinced that I am not and that I have never done and will never do such a thing, I have a kind of feeling / thought that I am  actually  like that or that I would even like to be one (it's crazy I know) , and most of the time I am apathetic towards this feeling / thought.I started to doubt anything, I don't remember how I was before and now nothing seems more real to me except the fact that I am a pedo . This thing is making me  mad because I am afraid that I have convinced myself that I am a pedophile, which I absolutely do not want to be and deep down I know that , but this feeling is killing me. Sometimes I also have the feeling that I'm lying about everything. I My question is, just just me who has this kind of sensations? Am I really a pedophile or am I digging the pit myself? Sorry for the length but I need clarification. Thanks a lot to those who read all of this

This post has been thanked 1 time. 26 March 2020 - 0:19

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You're not actually a pedophile

Based on what my therapist taught me, you need to agree with the fear and put yourself in situations that trigger it (and don't do compulsions), in order to get over it

You can do it in gradual steps to make it easier

Maybe start with telling yourself "Yeah maybe I am a pedophile" when you have the fear

I hope you feel better

26 March 2020 - 9:26

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Thanks so much. I had already heard about this and wanted to try to do it.... But the fact is that I am afraid that if I say and do so I could really become one, or find out that I always have been.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 March 2020 - 10:21

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Everything you are experiencing is classic pocd, of course nobody on a forum is able to diagnose you or give you professional advice, but I hope that you may find some form of support from others that are or have gone/going through the same thing. The groinal response thing is common in many sufferers and can be very upsetting... but you have to understand it is meaningless, it is a natural reaction to your anxiety and as long as your anxious you will continue to experience this to some varying degree. Ive had ocd for years and this still happens to me but I just ignore it now. There is a very good article somewhere online called 'what is going on down there' with reference to groinal response, its very good and may help you to see this differently. I'm not a medical or phycological professional, I'm a fellow sufferer, but if you asked me the question 'am I a paedophile..?' based on what you have said, I personally would say 'absolutely not'. If you were an actual paedophile, deep down inside of you somewhere you would have known it by now, it would not have hit you at nineteen years of age just like that out of the blue, in saying that, even if you believe this to be true the doubt will however still creep into your mind and torment you, unfortunately this is all part of ocd and something you will need to learn to manage, and dont beat yourself up about finding it really really hard... because it is..!  Quote: 'But the fact is that I am afraid that if I say and do so I could really become one, or find out that I always have been.'  I know this fear, and you know what..You can say the word 'paedophile' in your head, shout it out loud (I dont advise that) write it down on paper (do people still use pens any more..? lol)  a million times over, and you still would not be a paedophile. Do you want to know what has impressed me with your post...? You actually wrote the word paedophile in full... (okay so you wrote pedophile not paedophile) I guess your in the States or Canada and we in the UK spell it with an 'a'..  lol..! Why has that impressed you, you may ask..?  well so many people that first post onto this forum cannot even write the word paedophile down and simply say 'p'.. it makes them that anxious, no shame in that, but you didn't, you wrote the word down which says to me you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you can indeed face this head on and deal with it. People with ocd intrusive thoughts of whatever kind are all very familiar with the 'dont seek reassurance' mantra, and indeed this is perfectly correct, however, I remember how I felt when all of this hit me a number of years ago, how scared I was, (and still am at times might I add) and all I wanted was some kind words, some feeling of support and safety, something to make me feel better about myself and about things, quite frankly I was not in a position to deal with everything all by myself by 'not seeking reassurance' and so on, that is something that comes further down the line and when you personally feel in a position to do so... it will have to come one day... but right at the outset, not seeking reassurance may be a bit too hard. Just my opinion, others may disagree..? Apologies for the long rambling reply, but you are young and obviously really worried and I find it sad to hear or read of 'anybody' but particularly young people having their lives pretty much ground to a halt with this condition. One day at a time, baby steps... you will get through this.  All the very best.

27 March 2020 - 12:36

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Thank you so much @Headsgone for your answer, it has reassured me a little ... The fact is that although I am 100% sure that I will never act on thoughts and that I will never harm any child, I have this subspecies of sensation / thought in my head that keeps telling me that I'm still a pedophile. And as much as I try to reassure myself, it doesn't go away and my response to the situation, for the most part, is apathetic. Now I don't know if I react like this because after all I know that I am not really like this or if I have already accepted it unconsciously ...

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