25 March 2020 - 23:17
Hi everyone, I am new in the forum even though in the last few months I have read many of your posts from outside. I am a 19 year old girl who has been suffering from pocd (hopefully) for about 4 months ...I want to clarify that in 19 years of life I have never been attracted to a child and never fantasized about it. I've always been attracted to kids my age or older.
It all started one night, while I was watching a video where some boys were playing in a stupid way with dolls, I asked myself: "who knows what it feels like to rape a child". This at first left me perplexed for a few days where I started thinking about it and asking myself questions and checking myself to see if I had any reactions. After that I had a quiet period: thoughts came back every now and then, but I considered them less. A few weeks later, out of nowhere, they returned and never left. From there every day is torture from when I get up in the morning to when I go to sleep in the evening: I have episodes of anxiety attacks or just anxiety, I cry, I think about it, I feel sick, I can't eat much, I check on myself, I recheck, I think about the past , I reassure myself, I calm down, my anxiety leave, I worry because I don't have anxiety and it starts again. In all this when I am in public I tend not to look at or hold my breath when there are children near me. When I'm testing myself i have some episodes of groinal response (I hope) that I noticed to be more frequent during my period (I don't know if the two are related or not, but I hope so) In all this scenario, my mind is invaded by a myriad of thoughts questions I ask myself, including "I am a pedo/ I am not a pedo". The problem is that ultimately as far as I am convinced that I am not and that I have never done and will never do such a thing, I have a kind of feeling / thought that I am actually like that or that I would even like to be one (it's crazy I know) , and most of the time I am apathetic towards this feeling / thought.I started to doubt anything, I don't remember how I was before and now nothing seems more real to me except the fact that I am a pedo . This thing is making me mad because I am afraid that I have convinced myself that I am a pedophile, which I absolutely do not want to be and deep down I know that , but this feeling is killing me. Sometimes I also have the feeling that I'm lying about everything. I My question is, just just me who has this kind of sensations? Am I really a pedophile or am I digging the pit myself? Sorry for the length but I need clarification. Thanks a lot to those who read all of this