I don't know who I am anymore (Homosexual OCD)

15 May 2020 - 21:54

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So yea, I haven't posted anything here for a while. Here it goes.

I'm a man in my late 20's. The thing is that it's been a while since I have been really interested in a woman. Instead, I've been obsessing on the idea that I might be gay, even though I have never truly been sexually aroused by a man.

However, I have felt that some men are totally attractive and that has just made my mind more at stress because if I notice someone of my own gender attractive, I start thinking, maybe I am gay and I have just lied to myself all these years. 

There is also this gay man that I've been thinking about very much. He is attractive to me as well, I even said to him that I probably had a small crush on him, hoping that the thoughts would go away. Saying that actually felt relieving for a while but then the anxiety kicked in right away after that. It seems that even though I admitted to myself and to others that I might be gay, does not cure my anxiety, my constant need to find a solution to the question am I gay or not.

Meanwhile, my attractions towards women have diminished totally during the last year or so. It's been tough. I find myself constantly thinking about one specific man, thinking about that I like him but then again being anxious about it because I don't know if it's true attraction or an obsession. It surely does not feel good most of the times, even if I accepted the thoughts, they still feel fucked up. Not a single day has gone by that I would not have thought of him during last months and it's driving me crazy.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I used to get attracted to girls but now that's gone, I'm just in this limbo where I'm just not interested in anyone but the one person and that's what makes it so scary. Why am I thinking about him all the time? Does it make me gay? Do I have to sleep with him now even though I do not have a particularly strong need to have sex with a man? Do I have to tell other people?

And yes, I have been diagnosed with OCD a few years back. It kinda shifts between thoughts about incest, being gay or doing something bad to children. Whatever the thoughts are, they are always so fucking distressing that I am sometimes unable to function at all.

Sorry for this but I just had to let something out somewhere.

Cheers, I wish you all the very best.

16 May 2020 - 15:34

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Well you have said that you’ve had great intimacy with men before right? Have sat with just knowing that you may be attracted to both women and men?

18 May 2020 - 21:44

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Yea. I just needed to get that off my chest because I feel like if I dont say something to the guy that I’m thinking about, I’m going crazy. But then again I’m always getting second thoughts. I’m just so tired of this.

Trying to accept the thoughts have just led me in more and more confusion and it is eating me alive.

18 May 2020 - 23:08

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Hey I remember you!!! You are the dude who went out with a man, but didn’t enjoy gay sex innit?

19 May 2020 - 1:00

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Hey

That’s right yea. I enjoyed the intimacy very much but I was just scared of sex tbh, didnt feel like my thing, at least at the time.

19 May 2020 - 8:02

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Idk dude if you are not comfortable with being with a man then don’t go for it. Like I have already said it seems to me that you are bi, tho it’s hard to tell as on one hand you enjoyed the intimacy with a man, but on the other it didn’t feel like your thing. Idk it is your life and that’s you choose what to do and what not to do. If you really dig having sex with other men, then go for it as it’s perfectly fine. But if you are uncomfortable with it,  then don’t do anything about it. If I were you, I would go to an ocd specialist. 

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