1 August 2020 - 18:37
Hi everyone, I’ve been dealing with Harm OCD and POCD for about 3 months now. Recently my Harm OCD has been really intense. I’ve been struggling with these fears that if I get upset or angry with someone that I’m gonna snap and end up harming or killing this person somehow. One of my bestfriends has been really getting on my nerves lately. She’s been unintentionally doing things that trigger these fears I have inside of me that I’m not enough. When that gets triggered, I get really upset or annoyed or angry. Then when I get upset, annoyed, or angry my harm OCD comes in and makes me feel like I’m gonna hurt her or someone else. But then I also keep having this fear that my bestfriend actually doesn’t like me and is intentionally doing these things to hurt my feelings or make me upset. Then I have all these fears come into my mind saying “What if your friend actually hates you and wants to kill you? And if she wants to kill you then what if you need to harm her or kill her to protect yourself and your family?” It all leads back to my fear that I’m going to hurt or kill her. I don’t understand why these thoughts are coming in. I know my bestfriend loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me. And I know that I don’t have any desire to hurt her or hurt anybody for that matter, even if I was in a situation where someone wanted to hurt me. I’m terrified of hurting others. I feel so overwhelmed and so alone. And what feels even worse is that I’m not reacting to these thoughts very much recently. It’s like I’m completely numb. And that makes me fear that I actually enjoy these thoughts and dont see anything wrong with killing people whether they’re evil or not evil. I don’t know what to do!!!