A Bad Day on the Rocky Road to “Recovery”

Okay.
It’s okay. This is a step I have to take, to get better, be better, for me, for the people around me. I want to live a better life, I want to live in the moment and not in the constant past thoughts of “that happened” and future thoughts of “it mustn’t happen again”
Just.
Live.
Now.

That small burst of confidence, enough to make you think you can do this, enough to make you believe that there’s a better life out there for you, no no, that this better life is already right here, if only you just allow yourself to...live it.

It’s a long road, but I’ll get there.

——

What were you thinking? 

Look at all that has happened....all because you decided that you didn’t need me anymore, all because you thought life would be better, be easier without me.

You need me. I keep you safe, I protect you. Isn’t that what you wanted? Didn’t you WANT to be safe? Didn’t you WANT to be protected? Didn’t you ask for this? 

The happiness, the safety, the security? That perfect life? I can give you that. I’ve been giving you that. I’ll give you that. 

Can’t you see this is for the better?
You need me.
You need this.
I’m here, always here.
See? I’m not going anywhere! 

Isn’t that better? When you give in? Isn’t it all worth it for that sense of RELIEF? 

——

Happiness, safety, to be protected.
Isn’t this something we all want?
It’s not wrong to want these things, but how on earth did that land me here? In this deep pit of a toxic relationship with my own mind.... 

The one thing that has protected me all these years, from a child to a teen and from a teen to an adult
It was never protecting me, it was cutting into me deeper and deeper with it’s words.  

Not anymore, that sense of relief can’t be worth the pain, the absolute agony of living in constant battle with yourself, of having people leave because they just don’t understand or worst of all watching someone you love, who loves you, try their absolute best to make you better. 
I want to be better, for that person, for my family, my friends, my career, my health, my lifestyle, for myself. 

Now on this road to recovery or somewhat release or even slight improvement....the bumps are higher and rockier than ever, but a one way road it is and they’re just bumps.
Hiccups in the concrete.
Hiccups I can handle. I can, I will handle them.
Whether slow or fast, soft or harsh, I’ll drive over the bumps, hold my breathe on the hiccups and I will get better.

OCD, I need to fight back now.