Yesterday night I was watching tv, and suddenly I remembered something from my childhood.My friend and I (both females) played 'mommy and daddy', and I remember doing some sexual movement on her, like dry humping or something. We were both about 6-8 years old then. I also remember her sometimes wanting to do something else and saying, well we'll play this for a little bit, and then we'll play your thing. I'll give you a toy if we do it! And that sounds so fucked up.. It did happen, so it's not something I fear might happen.
I feel like stopping the compulsions would be quite easy. I stopped doing some today and I'm fine with it. But what really bothers me are the intrusive thoughts about suicide. Do thoughts get better when you stop the compulsions?
It started a few weeks ago: My friend didn't ask me to attend to her NYE party and I felt really alone and isolated. I started to cry. A lot. For one moment I thought 'would I feel better if I were dead', and the thought FREAKED me out. Since then I keep thinking about it. Not that I want to die or that i feel worthless or something, just the word 'suicide'. I'm mostly afraid that if I keep thinking about it, I'll eventually commit suicide. That if I keep being anxious that I'll do it. But I won't want to die, so I won't do it. It's just really weird.