ocd and social anxiety

 

My obsessive compulsive disorder is referred to as Harm OCD.  Initially i did not know there was a name for it.  I would have these horrible thoughts, images of myself stabbing someone or pushing someone down the steps.  Immediately, i would feel sick to my stomach, disgusted at the thought or image and fearful of why the thought or image had appeared and what it meant.  i became fearful that I was going crazy, that I was possibly a psychopath.  I would try to block out the thoughts, push them away.  Eventually the thoughts became more frequent and intrusive.  I would also find myself consumed with random meaningless thoughts that I couldn't get out of my head.  Once I got stuck thinking about a dumb joke i heard at church and i felt compelled to tell people about it, although i didn't want to.  I imagined myself blurting it out uncontrollably and feeling embarrassed, awkward, uncomfortable.  then came the compulsion.  If I was going to blurt it out uncontrollably, I needed to find a way to explain it, that wouldn't sound so weird, so socially awkward, etc.